It pains me to look at the photos of myself at my lowest weights. I miss those bones so much. I know my mind wasn't functioning properly - I could barely concentrate or carry on a conversation - but it sometimes seems like it was worth it. I miss my bones. I miss being able to pick up any piece of clothing in a store - size 0 or 00 or kids sizes - and have it hang on my body. I miss being "different" and "better" and "purer" by virtue of my visible bones. I felt emotionally invincible. Nobody could touch me or hurt me because no matter what, I was thin and that's all that mattered. Now, life is so much messier. Now I have to face some of the feelings that were hidden and numbed out through the side effect of malnutrition.
My weight now is higher than it has been in 3 years. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I'm still 15lbs underweight (according to my doc and those stupid ht/wt charts) but I feel like I’m 15lbs overweight instead. The weight that I have gained has yet to distribute itself properly, so I feel like I'm carrying all around my waist.
I don't dare to even try on a pair of jeans right now. It's all flowy, summery dresses and other loose fitting clothing. I hate my body so much.
I've been cutting again. Maladaptive coping mechanisms. I still haven't learned the "healthy way" of doing things. When I'm severly restricting, I don't cut. When I begin to feel again, I start cutting again. The one thing that I am hanging on to to keep my weight from plummeting is my new boyfriend. We only see each other once a week (he lives in WA and I’m in BC) but the time spent together makes me so happy. I told him about the ED and about cutting and he's STILL here. I don't want him to worry about me and I don't want to be lethargic and cranky. I know I need to eat (and keep down) a certain amount otherwise I won't have the energy to "be there" in a relationship.
I still engage in purging every night - it's more a routine than it is a coping mechanism I think. But at least during the day I can keep some food down. The black thoughts tug at me every day. Every hour, every minute, it's a struggle not to give in. But I think that for now at least, I'm doing an ok job of toeing the line.
I'm so proud of you!!! This is the most optimistic you've sounded in...well, since I've known you! It sounds like you've found something more important to you than ED: your relationship with your boyfriend. Relish the joy of that - bask in those good feelings rather than trying to numb the painful ones :).
ReplyDeleteWhat does size zero really mean? This time last year, I was a size zero and I also wore that size on and off from 2008 through 2010. And what did it get me? Nothing, and almost destroyed my life.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the allure of size zero. I won't say I don't ever feel it myself. But in the end, it means nothing. It means zero - zero life, zero anything. In the end, it is only a number stuck on a piece of clothing.
Vanessa - thx! U are a huge support to me. And an inspiration. I will def keep in touch for support thx
ReplyDeleteAngela - I don't have a t right now- I still get so hung up on sizes etc. I don't know how to stop the body hate... The constant tug of relapsong.