When this ED first started, years and years ago, the comments I got (about how thin, how frail, how tiny) used to give me such a high. I lived for those comments and they fuelled my obsession with dieting and weight loss. Urging me to go further, to see what they would say. Even the negative comments like the classic, "You're so thin, go eat a sandwich!", made me feel proud and accomplished.
Fast forward 17 years to today. Yes, a small part of me does still feel that pride when I hear any such comment, but not to the extent as it did previously. It mostly just reminds me of how trapped I am in this identity that maybe that's all people see when they look at me. I've lost my personality, my passion, and consequently, most of my friends.
I ran out of sick time from work and I still have to pay for daycare and other expenses, so ... here I am back at work. I want to do some kind of long-term treatment program at some point, but today I'm actually doing OK. I'm trying so hard to stick to drinking [diabetic, lower calorie] Boost. Food is way too scary. Boost is a nice, neat package, pre-measured and consistenly portioned. I'm avoiding real food for the meantime, trying to find that line between eating enough to keep going but not so much that i cross the "must purge now" line. I feel really hopeful. Genuinely hopeful this time. :)
I really think that you do need to do some kind of long term treatment too. The short stay IP doesn't seem to be helping you enough and giving you what you need. I really hope you can look into it, even if you think it is hard or not possible - you ARE worth it.
ReplyDeleteP.S. This is not coming from someone who doesn't understand. I have anorexia nervosa since I am twelve yrs. old & was diagnosed on my birthday of that year. After many years wasted, fucking around, in-'n'-out of every TX center, court-mandated, tubed, etc. many times.. I was labeled a 'chronic case' & was expected to die three weeks shy of my sixteenth birthday. I am still here. Would I like to be 49 lbs. again? Honestly, yes, but I KNOW it would kill be, or I'd be alive, but just merely exist, not living. You have to really, TRULY want it. You have to want to live life more than you want your eating disorder. Give life, health, recovery a 'trial period.' You could always get sick again if you really wanted to.
ReplyDeleteclearly anonymous doesn't understand much about supporting people with eating disorders otherwise she wouldn't brag about her unlikely '49lb' weight.
ReplyDeletetia is try at least with the boost. i've relied on tube feeds at home for months because i couldn't face food. there's not harm in going about things slowly.
yes, tia you're probably going to slide pretty quickly. that stint in EC proabably didn't do much. 3 weeks can't do much let alone however long you were there for 1.5weeks or something. keep trying with the boost. to get enough calories in. it doesn't have to be food yet. baby steps.
Hi, I just wanted to say keep doing what you are able to do...whether its boost, a tube or food. They are all energy sources and are contributing to aid you to get better. Try to block out unnecessary negative comments.
ReplyDeleteBe proud of yourself for reaching out for help. I struggle with an ED as well and can empathize on the strength it takes to make changes. I believe each one of us has the drive and will to recover, even if its tiny steps at a time.
Take care!
yeah, Anon, I'm sure you meant well, but have you thought that someone deeeply entfrenched in Ed might see your unrealistically low weight as a challenge? Or maybe think "well, that person was 49 pounds. I must not be that bad.". If you have been reading Tia's blog for any length of time, you would know that because of her ED she is vulnerable to comparing her weights with others and feeling like she is not worthy of help unless she is the "sickest".
ReplyDeleteBTW, how is anyone labelled a "chronic case" at 16? I am skeptical.
Tia, are you familiar with the term "chasing the dragon"? It is usually used in reference to a heroin addict's pursuit of the feeling they got from the very first time they got high. Supposedly, the first high is always the best, and it drives them to get high over and over again, trying to recapture that experience, but they never can.
I was that way about AN for years. My first episode of AN was an experience that I always looked back on with longing. It was when I first discovered starving, the first time I got really sick, and people started to notice and say something. I felt so strong, so focused, so successful. It is the first time I remember feeling really important or different or special. It was before I started purging. It was before I grew up, had adult responsibilities, was married or had children. Life was uncomplicated and I could just focus on AN.
I have relapsed many time trying to capture that feeling. Finally 2 years ago I realized it was time to give it up and move on. I am never going to get that feeling back. Life is more complicated now. the ED doesnt fit anymore. I want people to care about me for ME, not because I am sick. I want to be stable and take care of my kids. The ED just doesnt feel good anymore.
Do you get what I am saying? Do you feel like you may be "chasing the dragon" a bit?
Everyone above (with the exception of "anonymous chronic 16 year-old is probably (hopefully) under 5' tall person above) has said such nice things that I doubt I can say much that can compare. Regardless, I think that you're doing a good thing by trying the boost. Any form of nourishment regardless of if it's food or not. I'm sure I've told you before, but powerbars (the gooey more like a chewable vitamin than food ones) were my boost. I may not be perfect, but my life isn't controlled by an ED anymore and I got here by taking baby steps. I know that you can do this too.
ReplyDeleteI also hope that you can get into a longer-term place so that you won't just be dumped out into the real world when you're making so much progress IP.
xoxo
I think it's funny how all of you are hostile with me as I am just being honest with her. 1) 'flaweddesign' - I don't care if you think I lied about my LW as I have nothing to prove nor am I proud of something so sick. 2) Lisa - I agree with you there.. wasn't much using my head when I entered the exact weight, I really should not have done that. Honestly, I don't care if you're skeptical, I have no reason to lie & don't care who believes what. I was diagnosed when I was twelve & from that time on been in more IP stays than I can remember (non-compliant) & that's what I was told at age sixteen. 3) Kris - Actually, I am 5'0" exactly, for clarification (because of my anorexia I did not grow in height).
ReplyDeleteAnon #2 here.
ReplyDeleteI actually didn't think what anonymous was saying was bad. I think there is far too much coddling that goes on on too many blogs. Anon, your weight was freaky to hear and didn't need to be mentioned, but that's ok. You clarified. It's nice to stick up for our friends but it's quite another thing to enable them...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete(Removed first post because of a stupid typo!)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I was going to avoid commenting but...
Anon. #1 - You know you mentioned your low weight of 49 pounds *solely* to sound like the sickest anorexic around. You know that anorexia is incredibly competitive and every anorexic reading this was going to read that number with a mixture shock and envy.
However, as someone recovering from anorexia (I refuse to label myself "anorexic" I could care less how low you may or may not have gone. You remind me of Marya Hornbacher in "Wasted" and her pathetic attempts to MAKE SURE she sounded sicker than anyone else. Go away if you don't have anything useful to say.
Tia,
I've followed you for quite some time now and you have been in and out of IP at least four or five times in the past year (I could be wrong about the numbers; I've lost track and I bet you have too.) You are holding onto the eating disorder for some reason and IP just isn't going to cut it. You need long-term treatment. But even more than that, you need to dig deep and find a reason to get better and stay better because you can't continue to live on Boost alone. The Boost is a crutch because you know the calorie counts and you can drink just enough to feel safe. I know that eating does not feel safe for you, and until you can eat, you won't get better. And you need to get better, because eventually this will kill you and where will your son be then?
Please do something different. This hasn't been working, and you are so smart and have so much potential. You can still have a normal life.
*Hugs*
Angela
I just wrote a lengthy comment and then erased it. I hope that you're doing ok with the boost and being back home.
ReplyDeleteAnon #2 here.
ReplyDeleteTia, I can tell that you are an extremely smart person. I actually find it amazing that you have been able to accomplish what you have considering how sick you are. Hell, I'm amazed you can even string sentences together at this point. This shows me how much potential and talent you have, but you are going to kill yourself and I fear sooner rather than later. It's very scary, and very serious. I think we are all very scared for you.
I agree 100% with Angela on all points. And your IP stints...they seem, well, useless honestly. It seems like Canada is seriously lagging behind in ED treatment. You need to go to a long-term treatment center. Your life depends on it. This is life or death, Tia. Please do whatever you can to to get better care. You deserve it.
I wish you'd stop comparing yourself with others that are sick and competing to be "the sickest." You were meant for much more than this.
(Also I want to point out that weight does not determine who is "sickest." OK? I know it seems that way, but that's not true. I'm above my IBW right at the moment and I'm sicker than ever. It's not cool.)
Please take what I'm saying to heart. And listen to what these other wise women are saying. I understand that Boosts are all you can do right now, but it can't stay this way. YOU WILL DIE. Cold hard reality.
I want you to live. I'm so sad that your illness has obscured the woman you are. I hope you get the treatment you deserve!
ReplyDelete