Tuesday, December 21, 2010
gp
I booked an appt with my gp today - in a couple hrs. I feel like utter shit. I am off work today until friday. That's way too long. I cannot self regulate. I will b p every spare moment I get. my chest hurts snd I am a zombie. I'm afraid of the holidays when everything is closed. I don't know what I am seeing him for. Part of me wants him to admit me today - save me from me. But then I hear the voice telling me if I see him and get tubed I will get fat. And why should I see him? If he doesn't call me then all is well... Fly under the radar... I'm so lost.
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I wanted to comment on your last post but was too late. So here it is:
ReplyDeleteYes! You can stop purging! But it's hard. I mean, really hard. I purged for roughly 15 years and finally stopped this past year. I remeber one of the last times I purged; I threw up blood and got really scared because I didn't know what was going on in my body, how much I was bleeding, or if it would stop. I went into my girls room and looked at them (they were sleeping) and I felt this absolute terror that I would die and leave them without a mother.
I have only purged once since then, one slip up last summer. But I'm not saying I just quit and it was easy. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I think that people that talk about how great recovery is are full of it. Every time I ate and didn't throw up I was in agony. I felt fat, anxious, panicked, like there was a time bomb in my stomach. You just have to sit through those feelings. that's the only way. And it takes time, and you CANT turn back. You have to eat the food, and not throw it up, day after day, week after week, month after month. You will most likely hate it. When you are going through all those feelings, TALK ABOUT THEM! Talk to your therapist, a good friend, us. You will have to find a new way to handle your emotions without the ED.
Ok, so I know I haven't made recovery sound very appealing. I'm just being honest. Plus, the rough part is mostly the beginning. I feel pretty good these days. I'm heavier than I want to be (but I'm not fat, I'm just not bony), but the tradeoff is, I dont have to throw up. I don't have to restrict. I dont have to get up in the morning and wonder if I am going to get through the day without dying or ending up in the ER. When I kids have a birthday, I can eat cake without freaking out or having to sneak off and purge. same for hoidays, get togethers, and eating out.
The other thing I like is not being trapped in my own head all the time. Before when I was with people, I was never really present. I had this internal dialogue going on all the time, counting calories, thinking about food, planning binges. Sometimes I even felt like my relationships with people "got in the way" of my ed. Even with my girls. Sometimes I was impatient with then because I wanted them to leave me alone so I could purge or binge or whatever. Then I would feel so guilty. Not anymore.
I know this is getting long. I am trying to think of what I wanted to say. I guess I would say that yes, you can stop purging. But it's really hard. But its soooo worth it.
And I just want to add this :I am not a strong person! Please don't think "Lisa did it, but she is alot stronger than me". I'm not! to be honest, I didn't think I could do it. You might be really suprised at the strength that you have within you when you push yourself to the limit. this is the struggle of your life, FOR your life! But think how good you will feel when you overcome this! And think about what an inspiration you will be to others! They will look at you and say "wow, I didnt think she would ever get better! Maybe if she can do it, I can too!". Wouldn't that be great?
Ok I'm done now. I could really go on and on about this. If you have any questions email me k?
It sounds like you know what you want - and need. Somehow, you have to find the strength to let go and give in.
ReplyDeleteyeah, sounds like you're scared...maybe of what is happening today or what could happen over the holidays, i'm not sure but i know what you mean by feeling like shit. i'm grateful my gp imposed that i see him everyday until the weekend because it's someone for me to be honest with and know that he will step in if absolutely necessary. i really don't want to be in hospital for the weekend but my actions speak otherwise. your actions are asking for life. :) please go if they call.
ReplyDeleteyes i understand all that you said on my post. BCCH now SPH and doing shitty and basically the same age. i feel you've attained more than me in the 'real world' with your job and school and zach. i just have a year of post secondary which gave me a decent job (unfortunately but unforseen at the time at SPH).
ReplyDeletei really hope one day to have success in the 'real' areas of life. i know what it's going to take to get there and i'm just not sure i'm ready to put in the effort yet. the ED is still very strong as it is for you. and i doubt my ability to get out of it fully, ever. but hopefully enough to have satisfying relationships and children and a job and to travel. i do want a real life....i just don't know when enough will be enough of this ED.
love ya.
Tia, I know it's soo hard to have outside people help, but you gotta do it. I'm doing the maudsley approach for my treatment in anorexia and it's soooo hard. You have no idea how hard it is. But it's so worth it!! You can break free from Ed, you can, you're so strong. Don't believe his lies, you're so much better than him.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to email me if you're ever lost or need help or just need to talk, my emails on my profile.
Have a great Christmas(:
text me. no BBM 250-615-1668 let me know who you are!
ReplyDeletePlease let others help you. You can stop purging - just maybe you need some help. Recovery is always possible!!!
ReplyDelete