Reunion

I saw my son today after not seeing him for a week. The hospital is only 1 hour drive from my house but that's still far for a 3 yr old on a regular basis. He was so happy to see me - he kept jumping on me, wrapping his arms around my neck, kissing me spontaneously and being on his best behavior.

I feel so loved by him but I feel guilty, like I don't deserve it. I often wonder if he loves me just b/c i'm his mom. I feel fake, like I was thrown into the role of "mother" as a joke, because I have no idea what I'm doing and I can barely even look after myself!

In the hospital they have family therapy which is sooo good for me and my mom. Our relationship is volatile, enmeshed and a perpetual roller coaster. My one hope and goal of this admission is to work through some of that in a mediated setting so hopefully the 3rd person, the counsellor, will be able to provide some objective and constructive criticism.

I can't look in the mirror. I disgust myself, but I'm telling myself that I dont' have a choice right now, it's outta my hands, so "suck it up" and hand control over to the higher powers (treatment team) at least temporarily... I can always revert to old behaviors right? So for now let's try something different.