In less than 12 hours I will be temporatily giving up my freedom to the treatment team at the hospital. Today was a crazy rush of activity as I tried to get my things in order and as up to date as I can before I go in.
I don't know how long it'll be. 1 week, 3 weeks? more?
I've brought lots of books and crosswords. I'm afraid of being bored. All that free time means time to think and get depressed or wallow in my pessimistic mind. I normally fill my days running from work to home to mommyhood to bed. There's no time to think and I prefer it that way.
I know the first day will be the hardest. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in there. Maybe I don't deserve this spot. After all, I'm not being certified this time. It's voluntary. The whole "voluntary" part makes me cringe: By not refusing treatment I'm CHOOSING to put myself through one of the toughest things ever.
I don't wanna be tubed this time. Even if I can't manage the solids, I will try to drink the Boost orally. Don't wanna mess up my sinuses with the ng, although it really is mentally easier to just lie there and let it drip into you. Less guilt around eating since you're not really "eating". Fucked up rationale. I'm bringing a whole bunch of baggy clothes. To hide my fatness. Oh God, I hope I don't outgrow all my clothes while I'm there.
Just like last year, my bags aren't packed yet. I'm pretending that tomorrow is a normal day, that I'm not going to be hospitalized. My mind won't accept it until it actually happens. Shit, that's gonna be soon.
Good luck for IP. I think it's really good that you're choosing to go this time. Hopefully that's a good start to treatment. All the best.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Cassie x
i think its wonderful that you're putting your health and your life first. this is HUGE. you are a rock star. and i'm so so proudo f you.
ReplyDeletehang in there, you know we'll all be thinking of you <3
love love love
becca
Good luck going to ip. I did whatever i could not to go there, but sometimes i still think that it's not enough. But just think that if you really really try and eat and say screw the eating disorder in there, then you may even get to leave earlier than expected. Just look in the mirror and say you are better than this. You CAN beat this. You can.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for making the right choice for your health. You deserve it and this will help you get better and then get back to your life. I know it's hard; I don't like IP either. But it's necessary at times.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you. You have so much to live for - let them help you do it!!!
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
I admire you and look up to you for putting yourself into IP and KNOWING you need the help! That's a huge step! I wish you the best and YOU CAN BE STRONG AND BEAT THIS. You can make it work! :)
ReplyDeletestay strong, I'll be thinking about you!
-Lisa
xoxo
GOOD LUCK!!!! you will do fine, i'll be rooting for you!
ReplyDelete