OMG... the hospital called today and said they have an IP date for me. In 2 weeks. 2 measly effing weeks. Eek... I can't go! How can it be so soon? It's been less than 9 months since I've been out of IP. I'm surviving... sorta...
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
You're (read: your ED is) talking yourself out of what you know you need to do. You won't feel better in a few weeks or months. You'll be worse. You'll be even LESS ready.
ReplyDeleteI'd recommend talking to your therapist/doctor at home before you go, about your fears about IP. They'll redirect your fears where they belong. (ie: fearing being larger/fearing work commitments might be less appropriate than fearing the work of IP/fearing whether you are ready to give this up)
*hugs*
You can do it!
I'm inclined to say that feeling too big for IP is something that won't change unless you get so sick that you completely lose the ability to think -- and you really don't want that! So, I know it's not easy, but try to ignore the feelings associated with that when making your decision.
ReplyDeleteAs for school, with a big project due and a thesis defense (sounds familiar here, except switch the subject from accounting), that is something that I would seriously consider too. On one hand, it's tempting to say that school should wait because your health is more important. On the other hand, only you know for sure if you can make it through this and be healthy enough. Is it possible to postpone these things?? If not, and you want to get them out of the way before focusing on your ED and recovery/IP, can you turn things around on your own for a little while?? If you think you can make some small changes for the better -- maybe set some type of meal plan that you try to follow, something like that, then I think you could probably postpone IP and focus on school. You just have to 1.) Make enough progress to convince them that things are turning around for you without the IP and you don't want to do anything that might hinder this positive change and 2.) Actually be healthy enough to finish your schoolwork without your ED interfering and making it impossible. I don't know what your defense is like, but mine is several hours of being on your feet giving a presentation and then answering questions about anything and everything. I would think that even just standing there in the front of a lecture hall for over hour would be difficult to do with an ED. So you might want to consider postponing if you think your score/chances of graduating might be improved if you got healthy first.
Maybe there is a compromise that you can make. If your school ends in one month, see if you can agree to postpone IP just one month -- if you think you think you can through the school stuff that is. I know how frustrating that can be because there were so many times that they wanted to pull me from school. I never let them and, in retrospect, I actually think that worked out for the better, I just have lower scores and don't look as nice on paper. You just have to work to feed your brain during this time when you will really need brainpower. In some ways, I think that motivation alone might be enough to help you get better -- it's just that when it's gone things get harder again.
Like the post above says, talk to your therapist too. Maybe there are more options, who knows.
Take care and good luck with this!!! ((hugs))
how would feeling "sick enough" change your feelings about missing your deadlines? It seems this is much less about the accounting than about not feeling ready to choose recovery. You're very unwell, that much is blatant to any onlooker. Weight is no indicator of that, though i imagine that you're nowhere near your personal IBW. It may be a waste of time going IP. It may be that you fight them again and wait until you are certifiable and you could continue this way until you can't stand it anymore enough to do something real about it. Or wait til you die.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can really think about this over the next two weeks and find it in yourself to go IP with a view to getting as much out of it as possible. For yourself. To allow yourself to BE helped. Because though it is hideous being so high functioning, I get the sense that being at all vulnerable is equally horrific for you. You need to learn how to be helped. I hope you can find the courage to do something towards that while there are still people reaching out to you
I read here, sweetheart, but never know what to say. I guess there is a part of me afraid to trigger anythin by my words... knowing that telling you your recent FB photos scare me may make you happy deep inside, or my worries for your little boy may send you spiraling into self-loathing.
ReplyDeleteSo I sit, silent. I wish I could hold your hand through this!
I hope this is the end of your illness. I hope IP is really what you want... that you WANT to be well.
Love you.
GO GO GO!
ReplyDeleteXO Lisa
just checking in to see how you are. Update soon so I don't have to worry, k?
ReplyDeleteHow are you? Just wanted to check in and see if you are doing okay. Thinking about you and praying for you always.
ReplyDelete