Last day of June

I watched "The Hangover" last night with my ex-boyfriend, Mike. (We dated from 2003-2005 and now we are awesome friends). I have been isolating myself a lot and finding it really difficult to drag myself out of the house. I make plans and at the time I am genuinely excited about going out but somehow when the time comes to leave the house, it becomse a struggle. It seems so much easier to stay at home curled up with a book. Last night was no different. Mike and I have been trying to watch a movie for over a month now but I keep cancelling. This time I made myself go and I'm glad I did. The movie was pretty funny and it got my mind off eating/not eating for a while.

It scares me how I have become so introverted over the past year. I don't want to end up alone, a hermit in my room with a book, but I don't know how to fix it. For example, I had a day off yesterday and I drove down to the States by myself. There were a few people who would have liked to come with me but I declined their offers, preferring to go alone. That way I wouldn't have to worry about where THEY wanted to go and keeping THEM happy. Selfish, eh? Oh well, I had an amazing time...

Despite the purging I do, I have never had any calluses on my knuckles (Russell's Sign). When I was baking on the weekend I accidentally touched the top of the oven with my index finger knuckle and now I have a blister which totally looks suspicious and more like it should be from bulimia rather than baking! LOL - I found that kind of funny. Another thing that keeps me stuck in the purging cycle is the fact that when I don't purge, I suffer from really bad water retention. Especially in my lower legs and feet. Not to mention the sudden increase in weight (due to water) which I cannot deal with mentally. It's so uncomfortable that sometimes I purge water just for the sake of purging to get rid of water. Then I feel better. This sucks.