Marriage License Received

C phoned me at 2:30pm to say that he just filed our marriage license application at the court house. In his hands he now holds our marriage license saying that we are eligible to get married during the period of November 25/11 to January 24/12. It’s starting to come together. All the pieces are falling into place and it is starting to feel real! We have material, tangible proof that we are doing this. Our rings are sitting pretty beside each other on his table. We have booked our marriage commissioner and we’ve both figured out what to wear. A few loose ends remain: 1) Witnesses. Undecided about whether we should use strangers / court house employees or break our secrecy and confide in two close friends who would then witness for us. I’m fine with strangers except I wonder if it would make immigration more difficult or make them more suspicious of the marriage if we used strangers. 2) Flowers or no flowers at the civil ceremony? It would make for prettier pictures but I’m really not a flower kind of girl. 3) Child custody. Still waiting to hear back from my ex about whether he will consent to me moving with my son. If he does not consent then I am prepared to go to court – I will do whatever it takes.

Temptation to BP

I am down to purging 2-3 times week now. Weight is down a little – i’m fighting not to slip. I find myself going hours and hours without food and I have to talk myself into eating something at 8PM because I tell myself that I Should. Not because I’m hungry, but just because I am too afraid of falling into the ED hole again. Although, some days it would be really much easier if I were too starved to think. My brain goes into overdrive and I can’t stop thinking about things. All those cognitive distortion you learn about in psychology 101, well, I suffer them all. Black & White Thinking, Catastrophizing, Projecting, etc. Exactly 10 days until we get married! Some days I feel like I’m walking on a cloud and that my life can’t get any better. Then I remember that I’m FAT. And I have to keep pushing the dark clouds away to keep them from crowding my head. I flirt with the idea of going into the hospital and giving control over to somebody else for a few weeks. But I would have to get far sicker before that could even happen. I probably won’t do it, but it is definitely appealing if only for the safety and security and predictability.

2 weeks!

We have EXACTLY 2 WEEKS until we are married!!! I am going to pick up my future husband's sized wedding band today!

Eloping

My boyfriend and I are *getting married on December 1, 2011* – 16 days away! I guess “eloping” is the right word, but it sounds so irresponsible. It is going to be a total secret from everyone we know in real life – forever (or that is the hope anyway). We have only been together since March/11 but it has been simply perfect. He has helped me so much in my recovery. I love him with my whole heart and for once in my life I can imagine a future for myself that does not involve bouncing in and out of the hospital. I can imagine possibilities for hope and happiness in years to come. The way we met was purely coincidental. He lives in Washington and I live in Canada. One day in March (a couple weeks after being discharged from IP) I headed south for a day-trip and went to the bank to apply for a credit card. He helped me with my application and we talked for over an hour. I definitely was attracted to him but brushed it off and figured I would never see him again. However, in the days afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He called me 2 weeks later and came up to Canada to visit me that same weekend. He says that the day we met he kept feeling that he had to call – that he couldn’t let me get away and that I could be “the one”. Sometimes you just know right away. We have seen each other every weekend since then, gone on a trip to New York and now we are getting married. I now wholeheartedly believe that you really do find love when you are least looking for it. Despite being excited, we are trying to view this as simply paperwork in a larger process. I wonder if I will feel married… The reason for this crazy plan is so that we can get the visa process started sooner for me to move to the USA. We definitely want to have a “real” wedding but just don’t have time to plan one properly right now, so the plan is to have our real wedding exactly a year from now on December 1, 2012 in order to keep the same anniversary date. We don’t want any judgement from others and we don’t want people to feel that our wedding next year is “fake” or that we are just putting on a show since we would already be married. His parents would be supportive if we told them but they would insist on being there and celebrating it would blow things out of proportion and start taking on more significance than we want it to at this point. My parents would flat out freak out. They are Christian and traditional and no matter what I say they would never understand our reasons. They would forever judge our relationship negatively and probably refuse to attend the wedding a year later. We’re doing everything backwards: buying wedding rings before engagement ring, getting married before the wedding, he is going to ask for my parents’ blessing and propose to me after we are already married. On the weekend we went engagement ring shopping and BOUGHT our wedding rings. I love them: simple matching white gold bands. Even though we can’t wear the rings yet, we still want to exchange them at the civil ceremony, then keep them away for a year, only wearing them maybe on vacation or when we are sure we won’t run into anyone we know.

Locked up and moved

I have locked up and moved to http://dietcokefiend.wordpress.com
Because this blog and my baking blog are under the same blogger account, it is too risky to have my bf or his family and my 'real life' friends finding it. I hope you follow me there too. Take care and keep fighting everyone.

<3 Tia EDITED Sep 6/13 - Unlocked! I have decided to come back to blogging here.

Poem

I found this poem and it spoke to my soul. It showed me that there is a time for everything - good and bad, happy and sad. Each has its place and I should make peace with wherever I am in life and whatever emotions I am dealing with. To embrace them rather than push them down.

mini update: i'm doing OK. I haven't slipped any further than before. I'm holding tight. Starting the application process to move to the US. It's a long process and it is easy to get discouraged thinking about the process, but in the end I will be with my love.

"May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet
Enough trials to keep you strong
Enough sorrow to keep you human
Enough hope to keep you happy
Enough failure to keep you humble
Enough success to keep you eager
Enough friends to give you comfort
Enough faith and courage to banish all depression
And enough determination to make each day a better day than yesterday."

dependance

I am so afraid of becoming dependant on someone. I have effectively shut myself away from any friendship, relationship for 4 years. I was strong enough not to need anyone. I couldn't get hurt. Now I have lost my edge. I have let someone into my heart and I am terrified. There are things beyond starving that have become important to me. But the guilt and the fatness have not gone away.

I don't know what hurts more: the pain of feeling normal human emotion or the pain of feeling like a fat cow.

There are so many decisions hanging in the air. To eat or not to eat. To purge or not. Where to live. Custody. It never stops and maybe I'm dreaming to think that I might one day find peace.

fat every day

that's all i feel. fat fat fat.
thank god it's winter so i can cover myself up really well all day long.

the first 10lbs

the more i think about it, the more i think that ed people will always have ed's to some extent. with ups and downs, periods of complete health and positive self-image, when things get stressful or tough and difficult to cope with, we will always revert to our default method of coping. the "friend" who has never left our side and who has provided a twisted sense of comfort, but a sense of comfort nonetheless, when nobody and nothing else could.

i have lost 10 lbs in the past 2 weeks. it has been a gradual thing and i have hardly noticed it. it's not like before where i wholeheartedly THREW myself into restricting. this is different. it is more like a byproduct of all the stuff i'm dealing with in my head. it is the sum of all the stress in my life. it is the manifestation of a sequence of events and emotions after returning from NY that has led me back to this path.

it feels different this time. i am not in denial. after my last post a few people asked me to get help. this brings me back to the same old dilemma of not being "sick enough". i can't get help now. i need to lose more to get the help. and so the cycle goes. however, it is always in the back of my head that i must maintain some level of health in order to keep my relationship with charlie - something i value immensely. this is the first time i will be trying to balance the ed with a love life. there's more than just me to think about. i'm so confused.

it is a cop out to say i feel like i don't have a choice. but after countless treatment programs, counsellors, years and years of journaling, the ed still sticks out as the ONE THING that i can count on in tough times. it does feel like i don't have a choice but to keep going back.

breaking down

i looked at a bunch of old photos - hospital photos - and skinny photos - and now i am having a breakdown. i can't stop crying, i can't stop missing that girl, being jealous of her.

my heart aches and i feel like i'm spinning in thoughts. i want my knives. i want to get rid of this feeling or this void i'm feeling.

what is the point of all this. i dont know if i am actually any happier now than i was back then. at least back then i was THIN. no matter what i still had my THINNESS. now i have nothing to fall back on. i dont deserve anything or anyone. i want my razor blades.

i fear what my bf would say if he saw the cuts. i have been fairly normal since we started dating. he knows about my past but if it right there in front of him that is totally different. i am losing myself in so many ways. i want to put red lines all over my arms, bleed out the anxiety and the pain.

i really want to starve, but losing weight takes a little while. i can do that too, but the knife is instant release.

by the way, i made it to the 2 week mark purge free but the day after that i slipped. bad. at least i made it 2 weeks.