Burdened

I'm out of control.
There was a time when I could not purge. My body refused to bring anything up. Then little by little, I learned.
I used to be proud of my newly acquired skill. I used to feel accomplished when I made myself throw up.
Now I cannot stop. The decision is made for me - purge because you CAN.
There's a terrible guilt that eats away at me, screaming at me, telling me, GET RID OF IT. YOU MUST! YOU CAN! IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

It's haunting me and following me. The urge doesn't let me keep anything down except for candy. [Because candy doesn't make me *feel* full. Thank god for that or my blood sugar would be sooo low.] My throat is perpetually sore and my mouth is so dry.

I honestly don't know what to do. Every day I wake up with the best of intentions, promising myself that TODAY I will not give in. And by tht end of the day, I have failed again. I'm only just getting to bed now - 2:17 AM. Then I will wake up and hope for the best all over again. I'm so fucking tired... of this...

The Lab

Just a little thing that bugs me. The lab for weekly bloodwork.
I already feel self-conscious going in there every week, amongst all the geriatric patients.

Usually the staff are really nice and they recognize me and we chit-chat, but there was this new girl working at the front counter. She had to check all my info and in doing so, she said loudly, "so these results are going to the eating disorders clinic at x hospital?" Well of course all the heads turn to check me out - the real life anorexic - and I immediately feel self conscious and not thin enough. I wish it wouldn't matter what others thoght. I'm afraid they'd look and think: well she's too fat to have an ed.

I haven't been around the past week - was in hospital just getting blood sugars and lytes back in check. But I hope to be around and post more often. Xoxo.

Therapy-less

I got a call from my T's office yesterday, the day before my appointment, saying that something has come up and she has to cancel all appointments for the next 2-3 weeks.

Part of me is happy for the break from therapy but the other part of me is freaking out. The longest I've ever been without treatment is 3 weeks, so this is pushing it for me. I've been a mental wreck. I'm pretty close to giving up and no longer fighting against the ED. Nothing works. Maybe something like Mercy Ministries... I dunno... in the mean time I will just hang on here, like on the "razor's edge" as one doc put it.

I have some extra nutritionist and doctor's appointments scheduled in during that time so at least I'm meeting with SOMEONE - not totally dangling on my own and left to my own devices. They don't trust me. I don't trust me either.

Feeling a void

This is going to sound so clichéd but it's the truth.
I feel like I need something. There is a deep void that I need to fill in my life. I don't know what I need to fill it ot why it's there. I don't even think about it every day, but when I'm left with my own thoughts for any length of time, my mind starts drifting towards this void.

I've gotta stop comparing myself at x time to the same time last year. Especially during the fall/thanksgiving/christmas I tend to reflect upon where I was last year, my weight and ED compared to last year, how STUCK I am. And every year I get more and more depressed about it because it just means another year has gone by and I'm still stuck.

I find it strange how the more you starve, the more ACTIVE your brain gets obsessing over everything (food and non food related). I would expect the brain to slow down but mine doesn't. It runs me round and round in circles faster and faster, freewheeling.

My T says the ultimate goal is to learn to manage your own anxiety without relying on external sources. Is that even possible? How can you not react to things going on around you and things people say/do, etc. I cannot fathom this "goal". We don't live in a vacuum, there are external things in life that will cause anxiety to go up and down... How can I separate myself from the external? Maybe THAT's why people go into meditation. To find that inner nirvana. Dammit, I can't even sit still long enough for a 1 hr yoga class.

Anorexic "noise"

Just wanted to share:

This might seem painfully obvious to some of you, but it helped me understand things better. The gist of the article is that recovery from an eating disorder makes the brain "noisier." When a person with anorexia eats, they experience high anxiety, thought disturbance, and "noise." The noisy AN brain has layers of noise. The longer the anorexic delays eating, the lower the noise gets. Recovery doesn't mean that the noise goes away, it means you understand it and manage it better. To some extent, you get used to the noise. (Laura Hill from the Center for Balanced Living)

The noise is at its worst just as you reach a healthy weight [hence me being freaked out and losing the weight ASAP]. I have never been able to tolerate the distress. However, apparently if you can ride it out for long enough, it lessens. The noise goes away little by little. It all boils down to a timing difference between when your body reaches a healthy weight and your brain catches up.

This stretch of time is the most challenging. To the general public, you look healthy and "normal" but inside you are still stuck in deep anorexic thinking. This is when despair can take over. The noise is worse than ever and yet everyone thinks you're "fine." At this point I always feel like a phony, like I'm screaming beneath glass. That everyone will leave me now that I'm "fine".

No more pretty boxes

I don't know WTF is going on with my head.
All of a sudden, I'm sliding, fast.
All those little things I noticed before (pushing meals later and later, eating candy instead of real food, become more ritualistic and obsessive in general)... I was right about them being 'a sign' of bad things to come.

I am so ashamed, for the past 2 days I've rushed out "to do errands" on my coffee breaks to go puke in the washrooms at our neighboring facilities. I have completely elimiated eating breakfast and lunch now and the little amount that I do let myself eat at 3pm... that's what I've been purging on my coffee breaks. Today I used the handicapped washroom in the senior's centre building for god's sake. I have never been one to purge on work time before. It used to be a strictly evening or late night thing, but now all my pretty little boxes that I used to compartmentalize my life in are falling apart. Blending together. Becoming one big mess.

Then I return to my desk after splashing water on my face, wiping away the smeared eyeliner and rubbing some strongly scented body lotion on my hands. Pretending that my heart isn't pounding in my throat, my legs aren't feeling shaky and that everything is just peachy. I feel like this monster is stronger than ever. Instead of making it shrink, IP made it worse.

I'm being switched over to the "Complex Care" clinic for my treatment at the hospital now. It was so nice to have a little break from the weekly bloodwork, but now I'm back on that train again. I still feel so full. I am paranoid now. I can feel the cottage cheese sitting like a rock in my stomach now, even though I rinsed and rinsed and rinsed. I cannot afford to have the edema come back. Once that happens, I go beserk and everything just goes downhill that much faster. Thank god I'm still edema free... but for how long. I'm pushing my luck.

I NEED my life to stay separated in compartments so that I can be a good worker at work, a good mom to Zach when I'm with him and ONLY FALL APART when time allows. After everybody's gone to bed and I have no further responsibilites. But now I can't separate things. I'm scared.

Getting worse to get better

It's such a catch 22. You have to get sicker to get treatment. then you get better a little and everybody leaves you. I swear, that's why I stay stuck. Because I'm afraid to lose all my support if I get any healthier.

I went to an ED support group last night run by my treatment centre. There were about 12 people there, but they ALL knew each other from previous groups. It was a little unnerving being the odd one out. At this treatment centre they do groups in cohorts, so you kinda stay with the same group of people for 3 consecutive sets of group sessions. I'm technically supposed to be done the 3 sets of sessions, but my T still thinks I need the support so she stuck me in this group, hence me being the odd one out.

I was surprised to see a girl from work in the group. I don't know her well and we've only ever really said HI/BYE to each other. She has B.E.D. so she is not super skinny, but the odd thing is that even though she doesn't look emaciated, there was something about her than made me wonder if she was ED'd or not, way back when I first met her 2 years ago. I have heard this kind of intuition referred to as the "eating disorder underground (EDU)". That happens so often to me that I meet someone and a passing thought crosses my mind, I wonder, 'do they have an ED?" and probably 99% of the time I find out later on that I was right.

What is it that makes me (and other ED sufferers) so intuitive about OTHER PEOPLE? I don't get it? Like I said, this girl wasn't super thin or obviously sick. Then all this gets me thinking, I wonder what others see when they see ME. Do they know? Do they wonder? Any theories or experiences you guys have had with this?

Safety in Sickness

I find safety in feeling sick. Some days when I don't physically feel as crappy, I actually start getting worried that maybe somehow I'm getting healthier (read: fatter) without my consent.

This is day to day what I am used to:

-Cold hands
-Seeing stars and black spots when I stand up
-Being bone tired
-Fighting not to fall asleep in the afternoon (ie. right now, lol) at work
-Insomnia (waking up at 2:30 every night, tossing and turning until I can't take it anymore and get out of bed)
-Terrible stomach pains when I eat anything
-Reflux
-Leg cramps
-Can't stand up for too long without leaning against a supporting surface, my legs feel weak.

None of these things feels good physically, but they reassure me. Nothing else seems to soothe me the way bones and numbers on a scale can. I wish I could change my mind, but I'm getting older, I'm getting more set in my ways so to speak... change is not easy... I need to feel safe and unfortunately I don't know how else to do it, other than living in a hospital 24/7.

Signs of slippage

Signs I know I'm slipping:
I start to push my meals back later and later in the day, procrastinating, only getting around to eating at 5 PM.

I become more obsessive about everything. Both food and non food related.
I develop rituals and become irritable.

I start to eat candy instead of "real food".
Some days my only source of calories is pure hard candy. Because it feels safe. Because I don't feel "full" and "bloated" when I eat candy. I don't understand how candy could be a safe food - full of sugar, carbs, calories - but somehow my mind has accepted it so I'll just go with it I guess.

I ran into my doctor in the parking lot today. I have been avoiding him. He seemed very concerned and kept trying to get me to book an appointment. I don't see the point. He's not specialized in ED's, but he's known me since I was 9 years old, so I can understand his concern. He's a really really great man, very genuine and truly caring. He's also my son's doctor. I just wish he knew how to help me more, but then again, maybe nobody does. Not even 'the experts'.

"Good Job"

It's so hard for me to hear the words "good job" or "I can see you're trying really hard" from my treatment team. I saw my therapist today who I haven't seen in 3 weeks (due to her holidays, my IP, etc). She said she received good feedback from the hospital regarding my hospitalization. Compared to my last admission where I fought all the staff tooth and nail over every little thing, this time I was much more compliant and much less defiant. Maybe they see it as progress, but I just see it as my will, my spirit being eroded due to tiredness and apathy. Not due to a change in mental perspective.

Instead of hearing her words as good and genuinely positive feedback, I got offended by it. I felt like all of a sudden I had to watch every word and every action, like I'm a performer who has to please her audience. It angered me so much. (and now i'm angry at myself for getting angry at people for nothing all the time).

I just have something cute I had to share:
Today as I was putting my son to bed, he turned to me spontaneously and said, "Mommy, you are the most beautiful daisy in the world."

... If only I were truly the beautiful person he sees... :(