the more i think about it, the more i think that ed people will always have ed's to some extent. with ups and downs, periods of complete health and positive self-image, when things get stressful or tough and difficult to cope with, we will always revert to our default method of coping. the "friend" who has never left our side and who has provided a twisted sense of comfort, but a sense of comfort nonetheless, when nobody and nothing else could.
i have lost 10 lbs in the past 2 weeks. it has been a gradual thing and i have hardly noticed it. it's not like before where i wholeheartedly THREW myself into restricting. this is different. it is more like a byproduct of all the stuff i'm dealing with in my head. it is the sum of all the stress in my life. it is the manifestation of a sequence of events and emotions after returning from NY that has led me back to this path.
it feels different this time. i am not in denial. after my last post a few people asked me to get help. this brings me back to the same old dilemma of not being "sick enough". i can't get help now. i need to lose more to get the help. and so the cycle goes. however, it is always in the back of my head that i must maintain some level of health in order to keep my relationship with charlie - something i value immensely. this is the first time i will be trying to balance the ed with a love life. there's more than just me to think about. i'm so confused.
it is a cop out to say i feel like i don't have a choice. but after countless treatment programs, counsellors, years and years of journaling, the ed still sticks out as the ONE THING that i can count on in tough times. it does feel like i don't have a choice but to keep going back.
I hope you will go and get support to give you new tools to cope with life.because you deserve to be good to yourself. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteIt's really sad that people's urging you to get help gets turned into a warped message to you to lose weight. Stop. Step back. Think about it. That makes NO sense.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can be sick with an ED at *any* weight. I can't express that enough. It's a little insulting to hear you say that you have to basically be emaciated to be deserving of treatment or help.
"this is the first time I will be trying to balance the ed with a love life. there's more than just me to think about. i'm so confused."
ReplyDeleteI would like to remind you that there has been more than just you to worry about for at least the last four years. I would be more worried about how your Ed is affecting your relationship with your son, not your boyfriend.
Sorry to be so harsh, but there it is.
There must be something you can do. I'm not familiar with the Canadian health system at all, but there must be someone you can see, some kind of counselor. I mean, I still see my ED psychiatrist weekly and I have been at a relatively healthy weight for months. Or a support group. Or something.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous - You are right that you can be sick with an eating disorder at any weight. But in fairness to Tia, perhaps the clinicians won't see you unless you are at a certain weight. That wouldn't be her fault, but the system's. I know when I was at my lowest weight a clinician refused to see me because I was over his age limit of 30. And many clinicians in the States do that - only see people who are 25 or 30 and younger. So I drive about two hours one way to see one of the few clinicians in my state who doesn't have the mindset that EDs only happen to young people (although I don't consider myself "old" at 46!)
{{{Hugs}}} Tia, keep looking and knocking on doors. Something should be out there for you.
Agree with Lisalisa a million percent.
ReplyDeleteSo what are you saying? Are you encouraging her to lose weight so she's worthy of being seen or something? I'm really confused.
ReplyDeleteTia, you have a kid. You have a stable relationship. Grow up. Be an adult. You can't have your eating disorder with these two other things. It doesn't work that way. Make the smart choice. And get help if you need it but get it now and don't go losing more weight to try to "prove" that you need help, because that's just absolutely fucking ridiculous and retarded in every sense.
And I know you are not a stupid person, but you're acting pretty stupid right now with this weight loss.
Anonymous - Did I say that? Did I write that she should lose weight to prove she needs help? Please go back and re-read my comments, because I don't see anything like that in my comments. So please don't put words in my mouth; I don't appreciate it at all. (Particularly since you won't even identify yourself.)
ReplyDeleteWhat I DID say was that it could be harder to get treatment than we realize. Those of us who live in the States can sit back and think we have all the answer — Go to treatment! Get a therapist! Get into an ED program! — without any knowledge about how the Canadian health system works. Maybe it is not as easy to get treatment in Canada; maybe there is a waitlist. It is hard enough to get treatment in the States - I have probably one of the best private insurance policies in the COUNTRY and I still can't go to residential (it is not covered) and had to fight to get into PHP last year when I was both at my lowest weight and more importantly, at my sickest; so sick, my ED psychiatrist ended up telling the insurance company that if I wasn't admitted to a program soon, then he would have no choice but to hospitalize me. And yes, I was turned down for treatment because of my age.
When you have anorexia (that is my eating disorder, too), you often do have the mindset that you are never "thin enough" to deserve treatment. That is part of the problem with anorexia; the drive toward thinness. I don't think Tia was trying to be insulting, and I think you, Anonymous, are being a little overly sensitive.
Finally, what is going to help Tia? Browbeating her to death and telling her to grow up or offering up alternative solutions if she can't get treatment? Frankly, all the browbeating in the world did not make me want to seek treatment or work on recovery. I finally just had to hit "rock bottom" and see that anorexia was destroying my life. It had to be my decision. The more people yelled at me about getting better, the more I dug my heels in and refused treatment. I think it is fine to point out how this effects her son and her boyfriend, but calling people names and hitting them over the head just doesn't work as far as I can see.
Didn't call her names. I did refer to behaviors with names though. I know she's a bright and capable person. She's not a bad or weak person for having an ED either. Maybe I was too harsh, but I hate seeing people completely coddled on their blogs. People walking on eggshells, and for fear of what exactly? I know Tia doesn't know me so it really shouldn't even matter what I'm saying but if she does read this I would just hope that maybe it could open her eyes a little bit. That's my hope.
ReplyDeleteI'm a different anon. from the one that posted above and live in Canada, so thought would provide some info regarding intensive treatment options.
ReplyDeleteWhere Tia lives, there is only one place for the ENTIRE province that offers intensive help (inpatient, residential) for adults with ED's. That's it. The former medical director left last December from this centre and as far as I know, a new permanent one has yet to be found.
This centre only has a very tiny IP unit and only one residential place to go to. They used to have a longer-term program that was cut about 2 years ago.
Recently, the ‘team’ at this centre decided to discharge me from their services ~ THEY had made the decision and there wasn’t anything I could do/say about it ~ even though I'm still struggling.
If Tia is in the same situation as me, the message the treatment centre seems to be sending is you have to be XYZ to get help (and the treatment centre is not doing a good job of explaining what XYZ are to people), and I have found myself thinking, “I must be too fat to have a problem because they discharged me…or I don’t have a problem or I’m not sick enough.” I’m guessing part of this is my ED filter, but I wonder whether it is because the funding is so limited.
To second anonymous - I suspected that was the case. It is similar where I live in the States. Within the state - and I live in a large midwestern state - there is only one hospital solely dedicated to EDs, and only a few hospitals who have separate ED programs on the psychiatric unit. Finally, there are only a handful of ED specialists, which is why I drive two hours one way to see my ED psychiatrist weekly.
ReplyDeleteI thought that might be the issue in Canada. I did a little research about the Canadian health system after I made my initial comment, and correct me if I am wrong, but it seems the person has to be quite sick before being able to receive services in many areas of the country. In the States, of course, it depends upon how good your insurance is and how willing your clinician is to fight for your rights to treatment (My doctor NEVER gives up.) In spite of that, I still do not have residential coverage and we had to fight to get me into a PHP - and I had to be at a low weight and very sick before the insurance company agreed to PHP. Finally, I have known many people with anorexia who have been booted out of treatment the day after their weight is above the 75 percent mark (that is the standard for anorexia diagnosis.) I never had that happen to me personally, but again, my doctor is pretty damn stubborn.
Tia, I don't want you to think that any of this is encouraging you to try and lose weight to be thin and sick. You have been talking this way for about a week or so now, so I think your eating disorder voice is using this as an excuse to get you to act on behaviors. I hate to say this (because it sounds so lame) but if you can't get treatment, you will have to find other ways, including strength within, to stop from acting on ED behaviors. You will have to build support the best way you can - family, friends, your boyfriend, etc. — WITHOUT acting on your behaviors. Ten pounds is not fatal and you can turn it around. You went two weeks without purging. You ate a cookie at your boyfriend's house and KEPT IT DOWN. Think about your accomplishments and what you stand to lose if you dive back into everything. I sense you might be scared because things are becoming serious between Charlie and you. Talk with him. I just caution you to not make your relationship only about your eating disorder, but to still go out and have fun.
You can turn this around. I believe in you. Don't give up - ever!
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
I thought it was 85%, not 75%...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, OK. That's really, really sad about Canada and treatment. It's sad enough in the USA.
Anonymous;
ReplyDeleteYour are right - it is 85 percent. My apologies.
P.S. I wonder why I thought it was 75 percent??? I mean, I am in recovery from anorexia and I know my doctor and I have talked about this. It makes me think I am losing it or something! (Maybe I'm just not good at numbers - there's a surprise.)
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right, Anon. - it is sad enough in the USA. I worry about what will happen to eating disorders treatment when we have nationalized health care. I know it is supposed to be a good thing, but...
Tia, how are you doing? I hope you are fighting your eating disorder voice and working to regain those ten pounds. You can do this!!!
It never completely goes away... But there are other ways of dealing with it. Meds are a good start especially if it's stemming from a place of depression or anxieties. Love certainly helps as well! Good luck and beat this!
ReplyDeleteYet another anon here, at the above anonymous commenter, it actually can go away... I am living proof that recovery is possible, being recovered is possible.
ReplyDeleteTo Tia, getting sicker may seem like the way out but it only brings you further into hell. Eds trick ppl into thinking they will feel less fat, less bad if only they listen and lose weight, starve etc. It's bs. I dare any single one person to assert they are actually happier or feel any "less fat" when sicker. It's a total fallacy. The only way out is through. Frankly, right now you are well enough to make a choice, to fight to be free of this. By intentionally choosing to go backwards you are sabotaging yourself and any chance at a happy life.