If I can make it through the next 1.5 hours without purging then i would have successfully been 2 full weeks 100% purge-free!
It doesn't make sense for me to fail now - after all, I am only 1.5 hours shy of 2 weeks - but this little part of me wants to sabotage it. At some point, if not now, down the road I am bound to fuck up. You don't go from purging multiple times a day to suddenly ZERO and never look back. I'm smarter than to believe that.
2 weeks is a milestone. I'm excited but also scared as hell. The more successes I have, the longer I stay behavior-free, the further I have to fall. Does that make sense?
I keep pacing back and forth between computer and kitchen. Toeing that line. Fighting the warring voices in my head. I want to make this milestone. I don't trust myself. These are going to be the longest 90 minutes of my life.
Did you make it?!?! What am I saying...I know you did :). HOORAY!!!
ReplyDeletethat is so awesome!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou know, a lot of people with ED's think in black or white, all or nothing. The truth is, even if you did purge last night,it would not erase all of the progress you are making. It would not mean you failed and have to go back to the ED.
Think of recovery as a straight line, like a timeline. If you purge, put a small dot on the line, but the line keeps going forward. This is different than the way alot of people see recovery. Often, recovery is seen as an up and down graph (think jagged mountain range). In this type of graph, if you purge, the line would plunge from the highest point down to the lowest. Then you would have to climb all over again. Seen this way, recovery is quite daunting and a single purge can make you feel like a failure. I like the straight line way of looking at recovery.
Hope this made sense :)
I am so proud of you!!! You can do it - I know you can!!! And know you will keep moving forward!!!
ReplyDeleteTwo weeks! Wow, you are such an inspiration to me. Hopefully, someday soon, I'll be at that milestone with you. Thank you for sharing your good news!
ReplyDelete-Emily
Go Tia you CAN do this!!! Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThat is AWESOME, T! I hope things are still going well for you! xoxo
ReplyDelete