I'm semi-dreading going because I have to take public transit 1.5 hours to the hospital in the bitter cold (it's snowing right now), then sit for 1.5 hours in the group then transit back home 1.5 hours. All in all, a 4.5 hour commitment. Of course the same old anxiety-provoking thoughts are flooding my head - Will I be the fattest one there? Will I have anything to say, will people judge me? But I'm not going to back out of it. It's only 4 Wednesdays and I know I could use the support. I just wish I felt deserving of support. Thin enough to be cared about. Will I ever feel deserving? I need to constantly prove that I'm worth worrying about or worth the space I occupy.
I overcame a huge challenge last night! I went to a food blogger meet-up and survived! I was invited to this event through my baking blog: ButtercreamBarbie. It was a huge challenge for me to go since I would be surrounded by food and food-loving people, but I also knew it would be fun getting to meet other local food bloggers. It was also exciting to be invited and "recognized" as one of the small number of people (20) invited. I've had my baking blog for 1.5 years now and I've made some great friends online. Anyways, the meet involved appies, a cooking demo, a hands-on cooking class and then dinner where we ate what we had just made in the class. OMG... I had to keep trying to stay calm especially when I saw how much butter and oil the chef kept adding to the pan.
The dish we cooked: Free Range Chicken Breast, Mushroom Risotto and Pomegranate Sauce
My heart was pounding as dinner-time rolled around. I managed to push the food around my plate and resort to all those old ED tricks of making it look like you ate. Then I took the rest to go and said I had to leave to pick up my son. I use this excuse more often than I would like to admit in order to not eat or to get out of things I don't want to do. Overall, I'm glad I went and it was nice to put faces to names of bloggers and to learn some cooking tips from a professional. Maybe one day I will be able to enjoy the taste of the food too, not just the appearance of the plated dish.
The dish we cooked: Free Range Chicken Breast, Mushroom Risotto and Pomegranate Sauce
My heart was pounding as dinner-time rolled around. I managed to push the food around my plate and resort to all those old ED tricks of making it look like you ate. Then I took the rest to go and said I had to leave to pick up my son. I use this excuse more often than I would like to admit in order to not eat or to get out of things I don't want to do. Overall, I'm glad I went and it was nice to put faces to names of bloggers and to learn some cooking tips from a professional. Maybe one day I will be able to enjoy the taste of the food too, not just the appearance of the plated dish.
Tia, you DO deserve recovery. You just really really have to want it. I'm really glad you're starting to go to group, I'm going to group soon too. But, I think if you want to recover from this illness, you have to take other measures. As in, have a whole treatment team. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being bullied. Tired of being bullied by the ED. I want to live my life happily. I want to be free from an eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm proud of you that you went(: I would be nervous too.
Take care of yourself,
-Danielle
i did the contemplation group. it's all right. you won't be the biggest and you probably won't be the thinnest as we find ourselves all the time in treatment situations. but we all feel just as yucky. i hope you enjoyed the group. it's pretty good as far as no pressure goes. just go and see what it's like. you're prob not going to get to know anyone very well or hear much that you don't already know but it's important to stay active in your treatment.
ReplyDeleteand great job on goin gout with the foodies!!! so proud of you.
recovery can not be compromised! can not be cntemplated! it's too valuable. too important.
ReplyDeletegood luck beautiful
I really liked contemplation group. It gave me a lot to think about in ways that made sense to me. I hope you get something out of it, and no, for sure, you won't be the fattest person there because there isn't any fat on you. Who is leading it?
ReplyDeleteI read your blog when I was blogging under a different address. I re-call you being strong. I always found it so unique and inspiring that you are a recovering ED and you have a food blog :) You know you deserve recovery in the best way possible.
ReplyDeleteGroups have always been triggering for me. But, they have helped me out way more than I would have imagined.
Take Care
<3
-Lisa
I have no idea how you can bake as much as you do and not eat it, I would be tempted beyond belief. That is some will power! Proving that you have it in you to do whatever you choose to do. I hope these meetings are helpful to you, I think it's a giant leap in the right direction. :)
ReplyDelete-Just a reader who stumbled upon your blog