Robotic

I have forgotton what it is like to feel something real. I have lost the ability to connect my thoughts to my feeling. To turn on some sad music and cry until my chest hurts and my eyes are puffy and swollen. But these days I feel nothing. I try to feel but then the feelings feel fake. I don't trust my own judgements then my BPD tendencies kick in and flood me with doubt.

My T says that my body just doesn't have the energy for emotion right now. It's an adaptation to starvation in order to conserve energy. But this leaves me feeling like a robot. I don't even know if I can feel love anymore. I know logically that I "LOVE" my son, but I don't truly know the feeling of love. I'm a robot whose inner workings need to be tuned up every so often - I want someone to push my "Reset" button and give me clean slate, a new start. I fantasize about moving away where nobody knows me and starting all over again.