I'm out of control.
There was a time when I could not purge. My body refused to bring anything up. Then little by little, I learned.
I used to be proud of my newly acquired skill. I used to feel accomplished when I made myself throw up.
Now I cannot stop. The decision is made for me - purge because you CAN.
There's a terrible guilt that eats away at me, screaming at me, telling me, GET RID OF IT. YOU MUST! YOU CAN! IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE WORTHLESS.
It's haunting me and following me. The urge doesn't let me keep anything down except for candy. [Because candy doesn't make me *feel* full. Thank god for that or my blood sugar would be sooo low.] My throat is perpetually sore and my mouth is so dry.
I honestly don't know what to do. Every day I wake up with the best of intentions, promising myself that TODAY I will not give in. And by tht end of the day, I have failed again. I'm only just getting to bed now - 2:17 AM. Then I will wake up and hope for the best all over again. I'm so fucking tired... of this...
You have not failed. That's just a lie ED wants you to believe. Any day spent wanting change and being honest about where you are is not a failure, it is a victory. I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now, but know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Never give up!
-Liz
This pot makes me sad. :( Hang in there and maybe ask for some more help. Is your T still away? Have you heard anymore about the other treatment centres? There is still hope and there are still options if you are willing to chase them and grab on. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Tia/: Just keep telling yourself that you CAN. I make a distraction list whenever I want to do something destructive or run for a long time. It's very helpful and by that time making the list or doing something on the list- I feel better and I'm no longer guilty.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you.
-Danielle
I know exactly what you are feeling. I wake up with the same thoughts. But one day we will both get through it and be so proud that we did.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it the most bizarre thing ever that candy doesn't make you feel full and it's always the one food where you find you can eat more of it before that "sick/I can't take it anymore" feeling sets in?! I always wound up being able to eat more candy that regular food too.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I haven't commented in ages!!!!!!! I hope you've been doing well. I literally have written you like three letters now that I haven't sent because they got old before I remembered to buy stamps (we pay all our bills online and the post office near us is a nightmare... so somehow we were out and I was too busy/lazy to get more). ANYWAY, I have stamps now so I will write a new letter that isn't two weeks old, lol.
I hope you can get some sleep and also that you had a good Halloween -- Zach always has such cute costumes every year, so I thought of you when I saw the little kids out trick-or-treating :)
xoxo