Just wanted to share:
This might seem painfully obvious to some of you, but it helped me understand things better. The gist of the article is that recovery from an eating disorder makes the brain "noisier." When a person with anorexia eats, they experience high anxiety, thought disturbance, and "noise." The noisy AN brain has layers of noise. The longer the anorexic delays eating, the lower the noise gets. Recovery doesn't mean that the noise goes away, it means you understand it and manage it better. To some extent, you get used to the noise. (Laura Hill from the Center for Balanced Living)
The noise is at its worst just as you reach a healthy weight [hence me being freaked out and losing the weight ASAP]. I have never been able to tolerate the distress. However, apparently if you can ride it out for long enough, it lessens. The noise goes away little by little. It all boils down to a timing difference between when your body reaches a healthy weight and your brain catches up.
This stretch of time is the most challenging. To the general public, you look healthy and "normal" but inside you are still stuck in deep anorexic thinking. This is when despair can take over. The noise is worse than ever and yet everyone thinks you're "fine." At this point I always feel like a phony, like I'm screaming beneath glass. That everyone will leave me now that I'm "fine".
Tia you have to tell them how you feel/: Often in anorexia/bulemia we not only restrict our feelings but we restrict our emotions too. It was like me with my therapist. I was angry at her for a few things so I held back and got really mad when i was alone later. If you're lonely, tell someone! It may feel a bit strange at first, but it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteAnd people are not going to leave you. That's what i kept thinking at the start of recovery. It's so completely wrong. The more and more I get better and sane, the more people want to talk to me and be around me. And it's going to be the same for you! You're a good person Tia, you just have to realize that. People want to be around you.
That whole "Ed voice" is annoying. I've noticed that the voice is always there, even when I'm not eating and definitely gets louder when I start to eat more.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a phony Tia.
you need to accept it. the brain noise does go away when your no longer malnourished. anorexia doesnt equate to a lifelong sstruggle. get past malnutrition and get past anorexia
ReplyDeleteIt's true that after you have been at a healthy weight for awhile the noise becomes less and less. At least it has for me. Honestly, I'm not thrilled with my body. I still will get fixated on places on my body that have more fat (I squeeze my fat alot, its a bad habit). But the noise isn't loud enough to make me go back to the anorexia.
ReplyDeleteAt first feeling healthy and having energy and not getting dizzy and shaky all the time was weird. But now it feels normal and I love it! Once in awhile I will backslide and restrict for like a day or two, but then I start to feel weak and crappy and then I remember "oh yeah, this is what it's like to be starving and it sucks!".
I'm not saying it's easy, but you just have to push through the hard times until it starts to get easier. I don't think there is any shortcut in recovery to being at a healthy weight AND feeling great about it. The only way out is through. But it is worth it.
I really hope you get there. I know you can. BE BRAVE!
XOLisa
Hi Tia - It's Jen/Luxelady (from diaryland) I hope you are doing ok - I've just switched to Blogger and I added you (in case you were wondering who your new follower was).
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this. Being in the midst of recovery, I feel like a 33 record being played on 48 speed (you older people do remember records, right?) And this is usually where I fail.
ReplyDelete