It's 4:00 PM. I'm feeling a little sick from not eating. I haven't had a single calorie today, only black coffee so far. I woke up feeling really swollen with water. The skin around my fingers was tight. I had a lot of salt yesterday so I kinda expected this suffering and brought it upon myself. I just like salt way too much for my own good. I pour it on more than liberally.
I'm so mad at myself for being so out of control and weighing so much. For taking up so much space. People don't understand how the love/hate relationship I have with b/p. I can hate it 100% but there are parts that are actually enjoyable, like those few moments where you let yourself taste a forbidden food, just before the reality sinks in that you must throw it up and rinse for an hour until you feel 'clean' and the water runs clear. It's like a drug. I wake up in the morning so full of willpower and zest to break the cycle but as the day goes on my willpower falters and wanes.
Nighttime is the witching hour. It's like some loss of control comes over me or my mind is abducted. It sounds extreme but it's truly how I feel. Then I go to bed, exhausted, and wake up the next morning and the cycle goes on and on, again and again. The words to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" keep coming to mind.
If you want something bad enough, where there's a will there's a way right? Does this mean that I don't *really truly completely* want to stop b/p? I think I do but the fact that it seems near impossible to go one single day without 'engaging in behaviors'... makes me second guess myself.
In some ways recovery from an ED is so much harder than recovery from drugs/alcohol. You can't abstain 100% from food whereas you can "just say no" to drugs or alcohol. Every day, every occasion, every event, you're faced with food. You need to eat SOMETHING to survive. The problem is when that SOMETHING triggers a binge or the feeling of fullness causes so much anxiety. I'm feeling hopeless today.
I know what you mean. I lived the way you are living for years. I could not go a day without bingeing or purging, and usually did it several times a day. It was like some kind of addiction, I thought about food and craved it all the time. But when I wasn't bingeing, I never let myself eat anything. It was all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteI never thought the urge to binge would go away. But it has, mostly. I think it is because I am feeding myself regularly and don't feel deprived anymore. There are still some foods that freak me out, but there are really no "forbidden foods", so I don't obsess about foods too much, because I know I can have them if I want them. As I sit here, there is ice cream in the freezer, chips in the cupboard, and sugary cereals too. The fact that I am able to coexist with these foods in my house without being compelled to eat them, ALL of them, right now, is something that just a few years ago would seem impossible. I do still purge occasionally, I am not perfect, but it is getting to be a rare occurence.
But when I say "just feed yourself regularly", I KNOW it is much easier said than done. And when I first started eating regularly I still had the urge to binge and purge, I think because I hadn't learned to trust myself yet. And when that happens it is easy to get discouraged and quit. You just have to keep going.
And I have to just be honest and blunt about something: you will have to give up your "thinness". You just can't have it both ways. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I really don't like my body. I'm not fat, but I am definately not as thin as I want to be. But I don't wake up in the morning wondering if I am going to make it through the day without passing out. I have energy to play with my kids. It's a tradeoff.
When you are really stuck in the illness, its hard to make these changes without support and structure. It's not that I dont believe in you, I DO, but I think you really need to be in an IP program to get started, until you are strong enough to do it on your own. I hope you can find something like that!
I just want to be clear and let you know that I'm not trying to say "I did it so you can do it, just start eating, blah blah blah". I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are and really, truly felt hopeless, but it is possible to improve. There is hope for you.
Tia, Lisa is wise. Please listen to her. There is more for you out there, so much more. Right now your whole life is your eating disorder, and it's sad. You deserve more!! Right now you're just surviving, and hardly. I don't know how you're not passing out but your body must be struggling so hard to keep you going.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your IP date is coming up. Please GO, and make the most of it, as much as you can.
Hi Tia,
ReplyDeleteIt's me again...I found this going through your blogroll...in a way I somewhat knew...but I also didn't know if that makes any sense?
You have so much more to offer this world than what this eating disorder will give to you. I know I only 'know' the baking part of you...but that is enough for me to say that ;)