I am under a ton of stress right now… so I have not been updating much.
There's a HUGE due date coming up - the final report for my Accounting designation.
If I pass this (last year's pass rate was 70%), I will be done done done with school. I will be a full fledged accountant!
I've been doing a bit better with eating…
I've gained a bit of weight - which is driving me crazy because I feel like hiding under a rock because I Feel so ugly all the time now - but I'm trying to rationalize it in my mind by telling myself not to throw away the last 3 years of hard work because of the ED. Just hang on and eat a little better at least until June 12 (the exam). I'm trying to cement that as my priority in my head right now.
… but it's tough when it seems like everyone can see how fat I am. I have a doctor's appointment today at the hospital and maybe with this weight gain I won't have to go into IP…
The problem is that when I gain weight I feel unworthy of treatment so I stop going to appointments. Then when I stop going I slip back into old habits and get myself into trouble. Back and forth, back and forth, spinning my wheels. I think the "cure" would be to be able to still feel worthy of treatment even when I am gaining weight.
Lately I have been struggling trying to think of what to say that might help you. Tia, there is a LIFE out there for you, but you have to want it! Maybe part of you does, but it seems like most of you is invested in staying thin and staying sick. I wish you would believe me when I say that there is so much more to you than your weight. You are a person! You have inherent value, whether you weigh 80 pounds or 800! People will still care about you if you gain weight, I promise! You will still be deserving of help. The weight is just the symptom, I wish you could stop focusing on that and look inside to do the real work you need to do to leave this behind you for good!
ReplyDeleteXO Lisa
I hope your exam goes really well!! <3
ReplyDeleteTia... i agree with Lisa! you are worthy of being someone- even if you don't weigh what you think is the ideal weight for yourself..
ReplyDeletei have the same problem thinking that about myself, but to have our whole lives taken over by numbers, and worries about not being perfect- there is a time where we have to let go of that and live...
*hugs* i hope you see that you are worth every ounce of effort
You are worthy.
ReplyDeleteI know I said I was going to quit reading but the simple truth is, I have grown to care about you. I love what Lisa said. Listen to her! You definitely deserve more and you're a good person. You are worthy. FUCK what a stupid number says. And honestly, are you saying that you have to be emaciated to have an eating disorder? That you have to weigh in the double digits? An eating disorder has to do with your MIND, OK?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your exam. It's amazing that you can even concentrate enough on this stuff to make it through. Think about what you could do if you were really functional?
You are worthy of treatment.
ReplyDeleteBut I do understand the feeling. I often feel I don't deserve treatment, that other, better people do. Maybe that's ED talking, trying to prevent you from getting help.
Remember your goals and why you want to get better - continue with your career and be there for your child. Try to tell yourself every morning that you do deserve help to beat your disorder.
Hey Tia, it's Julia. I just started blogging on here and stumbled across your's by chance. hang in there til your exam and then go back to 4NW. you deserve and need help.
ReplyDeleteyo! no, i'm not back on 4NW. i told mckay i wouldn't accept admissions there anymore. just to medicine if necessary. but in the mean time i've moved back north and am working with my small but amazing team and just taking it one day at a time. hang in there. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHope the exam went really well and whatever you decide to do, please know that i care Tia.
ReplyDelete