Locked up and moved

I have locked up and moved to http://dietcokefiend.wordpress.com
Because this blog and my baking blog are under the same blogger account, it is too risky to have my bf or his family and my 'real life' friends finding it. I hope you follow me there too. Take care and keep fighting everyone.

<3 Tia EDITED Sep 6/13 - Unlocked! I have decided to come back to blogging here.

Poem

I found this poem and it spoke to my soul. It showed me that there is a time for everything - good and bad, happy and sad. Each has its place and I should make peace with wherever I am in life and whatever emotions I am dealing with. To embrace them rather than push them down.

mini update: i'm doing OK. I haven't slipped any further than before. I'm holding tight. Starting the application process to move to the US. It's a long process and it is easy to get discouraged thinking about the process, but in the end I will be with my love.

"May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet
Enough trials to keep you strong
Enough sorrow to keep you human
Enough hope to keep you happy
Enough failure to keep you humble
Enough success to keep you eager
Enough friends to give you comfort
Enough faith and courage to banish all depression
And enough determination to make each day a better day than yesterday."

dependance

I am so afraid of becoming dependant on someone. I have effectively shut myself away from any friendship, relationship for 4 years. I was strong enough not to need anyone. I couldn't get hurt. Now I have lost my edge. I have let someone into my heart and I am terrified. There are things beyond starving that have become important to me. But the guilt and the fatness have not gone away.

I don't know what hurts more: the pain of feeling normal human emotion or the pain of feeling like a fat cow.

There are so many decisions hanging in the air. To eat or not to eat. To purge or not. Where to live. Custody. It never stops and maybe I'm dreaming to think that I might one day find peace.

fat every day

that's all i feel. fat fat fat.
thank god it's winter so i can cover myself up really well all day long.

the first 10lbs

the more i think about it, the more i think that ed people will always have ed's to some extent. with ups and downs, periods of complete health and positive self-image, when things get stressful or tough and difficult to cope with, we will always revert to our default method of coping. the "friend" who has never left our side and who has provided a twisted sense of comfort, but a sense of comfort nonetheless, when nobody and nothing else could.

i have lost 10 lbs in the past 2 weeks. it has been a gradual thing and i have hardly noticed it. it's not like before where i wholeheartedly THREW myself into restricting. this is different. it is more like a byproduct of all the stuff i'm dealing with in my head. it is the sum of all the stress in my life. it is the manifestation of a sequence of events and emotions after returning from NY that has led me back to this path.

it feels different this time. i am not in denial. after my last post a few people asked me to get help. this brings me back to the same old dilemma of not being "sick enough". i can't get help now. i need to lose more to get the help. and so the cycle goes. however, it is always in the back of my head that i must maintain some level of health in order to keep my relationship with charlie - something i value immensely. this is the first time i will be trying to balance the ed with a love life. there's more than just me to think about. i'm so confused.

it is a cop out to say i feel like i don't have a choice. but after countless treatment programs, counsellors, years and years of journaling, the ed still sticks out as the ONE THING that i can count on in tough times. it does feel like i don't have a choice but to keep going back.

breaking down

i looked at a bunch of old photos - hospital photos - and skinny photos - and now i am having a breakdown. i can't stop crying, i can't stop missing that girl, being jealous of her.

my heart aches and i feel like i'm spinning in thoughts. i want my knives. i want to get rid of this feeling or this void i'm feeling.

what is the point of all this. i dont know if i am actually any happier now than i was back then. at least back then i was THIN. no matter what i still had my THINNESS. now i have nothing to fall back on. i dont deserve anything or anyone. i want my razor blades.

i fear what my bf would say if he saw the cuts. i have been fairly normal since we started dating. he knows about my past but if it right there in front of him that is totally different. i am losing myself in so many ways. i want to put red lines all over my arms, bleed out the anxiety and the pain.

i really want to starve, but losing weight takes a little while. i can do that too, but the knife is instant release.

by the way, i made it to the 2 week mark purge free but the day after that i slipped. bad. at least i made it 2 weeks.

almost 2 weeks p-free

If I can make it through the next 1.5 hours without purging then i would have successfully been 2 full weeks 100% purge-free!

It doesn't make sense for me to fail now - after all, I am only 1.5 hours shy of 2 weeks - but this little part of me wants to sabotage it. At some point, if not now, down the road I am bound to fuck up. You don't go from purging multiple times a day to suddenly ZERO and never look back. I'm smarter than to believe that.

2 weeks is a milestone. I'm excited but also scared as hell. The more successes I have, the longer I stay behavior-free, the further I have to fall. Does that make sense?

I keep pacing back and forth between computer and kitchen. Toeing that line. Fighting the warring voices in my head. I want to make this milestone. I don't trust myself. These are going to be the longest 90 minutes of my life.

Thinking not sleeping

I have too much on my mind. I couldn't fall asleep last night and after I did I only slept for 4 hours and now I'm awake again.

I just don't want to face reality or go back to reality. After a week of being on vacation the idea of going home to all the pressures of life is so daunting. I don't feel capable of living my life - going through the motions like I used to.

Too many things I want to change and am unhappy about. My weight, my job, the immigration process to USA. Spending so much time together really cemented the fact that we want to be together. My mind is running a mile a minute. I feel out of control trying to make sense of what to do first where immigration is concerned. There are so many variables and so many things to keep organized. If it wasn't already difficult enough with the aspect of me finding work, I also have to consider my son and gaining permission to move with him. In order to do so, I have to have a good job in the USA, but in order to work I have to have the fiancee visa. I don't know how things can possibly work out.

I've been doing so well but feel like I am hitting a wall. When I feel like things that make me anxious are out of my control, it makes me shut down in order to remove the negative feeling. I want too many things to change but I feel paralyzed to change any of them.

Last day in NY

Today is our last day in NY. My feet feel like they are going to fall off from walking so much, but the obsessive side of me says to walk more! burn off more calories! this is the perfect excuse!

I can't believe the number of skinny girls here. I keep comparing and feeling bad about myself. There is an empty feeling in me right now. Sad/lost/anxious?

I still feel somewhat crippled by ED. I don't want to try on clothes and go shopping because I feel fat. but overall it has been a good trip. I don't want to go home and face reality and all the pressures of real life. :(

Summer's Over

This summer has been a whirlwind of activity. I have managed to stay pretty happy and healthy and avoid all appointments with my treatment team. I am realizing now that I am slowly making peace with weight gain, that being around a waiting room of extremely emaciated girls is not healthy. I found I was getting more triggered and my anxiety was spiking in the days before my appointments. For now I am going to stay away from the hospital unless things get bad. It's better for my mental health.

Every weekend I've been spending time with my bf, either here or in Washington. I got Nexus pass so the border wait times are greatly reduced, which makes it bearable to cross on a Saturday morning. I am at his parent's place in Port Angeles right now. It is about a 4 hour drive from Bellingham. Very peaceful, serene, secluded. I made it through dinner last night with the family and even had a cookie for dessert without too much anxiety. Best of all, I kept it down.

I hate my body intensely but I'm trying to keep pushing through, knowing the alternative. I do fear that I am unable to EVER diet "just a little" because I will be triggered into the ED again. It is a fine line and once you have gone down that path it is too easy to get sucked back in. I feel like I'm just on the other side of the ED madness and I'm actually at a point where I have things to look forward to other than watching the numbers go down on the scale. I have other things to make me happy.

I am by no means recovered or OK with my weight, but I am less anxious about it and I can see a bit of hope now (on a good day) that maybe happiness does not always have to come from being the skinniest person.